How to Spot a Bully Who Needs Support: Breaking the Cycle with Empathy

The Side of Bullying We Rarely Talk About

When we hear the word bullying, most of us picture a clear villain and a clear victim. And while protecting children who are being targeted must always come first, there is a quieter truth that often goes unspoken:

Many children who bully are struggling themselves.

This does not excuse harmful behavior. Accountability and boundaries are essential. But understanding why bullying happens allows parents, educators, and communities to intervene earlier and more effectively.

According to StopBullying.gov, bullying is a behavior—not a personality trait—and it often reflects unmet emotional or social needs rather than inherent cruelty.

What Is Bullying?

Bullying is defined as repeated aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance, intended to cause harm, fear, or exclusion.

Bullying can be:

verbal (name-calling, mocking, threats)
social (exclusion, spreading rumors)
physical (hitting, pushing)
digital (cyberbullying, group chats, social media)

Bullying thrives when it is ignored, minimized, or normalized as “kids being kids.” Research consistently shows that early intervention and inclusive environments reduce long-term harm for everyone involved.

Why Do Kids Bully? (The Real Reasons)

Children do not wake up wanting to hurt others. Bullying behavior often develops as a response to stress, insecurity, or learned patterns.

Common reasons kids bully include:

1. Seeking Power or Control

Children who feel powerless in other areas of life may try to gain control socially. According to StopBullying.gov, some youth bully to establish dominance or social status among peers.

2. Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem

Bullying can be a defense mechanism. Attacking others can temporarily mask feelings of inadequacy or fear.

3. Learned Behavior

Children often model what they see. Exposure to aggression, shaming, or disrespect at home, online, or in media can normalize bullying behavior.

4. Lack of Emotional Regulation Skills

Some children have never been taught how to manage anger, frustration, jealousy, or embarrassment in healthy ways.

5. Unmet Need for Belonging

Ironically, many children bully in an attempt to fit in. Performing cruelty for laughs or approval can feel safer than risking rejection.

Signs a Bully May Be Struggling Emotionally

Not every child who bullies shows the same signs, but many share underlying emotional distress.

Possible indicators include:

frequent anger or explosive reactions
mocking others to gain attention
controlling behavior during play
difficulty taking responsibility without shutting down
frequent school discipline paired with low self-worth
loneliness masked by bravado
harsh self-talk or blaming others

According to the American Psychological Association, children involved in bullying—whether as the aggressor, target, or bystander—are at increased risk for emotional and mental health challenges.

Hurt Often Hides Under Harm

Children do not always have the language to say:

“I feel unsafe.”
“I am overwhelmed.”
“I don’t belong.”

Instead, distress may surface as aggression, teasing, or exclusion.

Understanding this does not remove consequences—it helps adults respond in ways that stop harm rather than perpetuate it.

Compassion Does NOT Mean Ignoring Harm

This distinction matters.

Empathy does not mean:

excusing bullying behavior
asking victims to tolerate harm
avoiding consequences

Empathy does mean:

interrupting harmful behavior immediately
setting clear boundaries
holding children accountable
teaching repair and responsibility
providing emotional support and skill-building

The American Academy of Pediatrics emphasizes that discipline paired with emotional guidance is more effective than punishment alone. citeturn0search4

How Adults Can Respond Differently

When bullying behavior occurs, shifting adult responses can change outcomes.

Instead of:

“What’s wrong with you?”

Try:

“What’s going on with you?”

Helpful responses include:

“That behavior isn’t okay, and we need to talk about what led to it.”
“What were you feeling right before that happened?”
“Who taught you that this was how to handle it?”
“Let’s figure out better choices for next time.”

This approach reduces shame and increases learning.

Teaching Kids to See the Whole Picture

Children can learn two truths at once:

Bullying behavior is never acceptable.
People who hurt others may need support too.

This builds empathy without placing responsibility on the child being targeted.

Teaching inclusion means teaching children to:

invite others in
speak up safely
get adult help
challenge harmful behavior respectfully

According to StopBullying.gov, empowered bystanders play a critical role in reducing bullying.

When a “Hug” Means Support—Not Excuses

The idea of a “bully who needs a hug” is symbolic.

It represents:

emotional safety
consistent adult support
counseling when needed
learning empathy and accountability
environments that teach belonging

Children who feel safe are far less likely to harm others.

Why Inclusion Is the Long-Term Solution

Inclusion is not passive kindness—it is active protection.

Inclusive environments:

reduce bullying behaviors
increase emotional resilience
help children regulate emotions
create accountability through community

The CDC identifies inclusive school climates as a key factor in bullying prevention.

Why This Matters to Chooniez by MH

At Chooniez by MH, we support children navigating visible and invisible challenges—sensory needs, anxiety, disabilities, bedwetting, and emotional struggles.

We believe:

shame does not teach
punishment alone does not heal
compassion paired with boundaries creates change

Supporting all children helps break cycles of harm and builds safer communities.

A Gentle Reflection for Parents

Have you ever noticed a child acting out in ways that made you wonder what they were carrying underneath?

Understanding does not excuse harm—but it can prevent it.

✨ Join the Chooniez Support Group for Parents — a judgment-free space where difficult conversations are welcome and no family has to navigate these challenges alone.

(3) Chooniez Support Group for Parents | Facebook

Sources & Credits

StopBullying.gov – U.S. Department of Health & Human Services: https://www.stopbullying.gov citeturn0search0
American Psychological Association – Bullying & youth mental health: https://www.apa.org citeturn0search3
American Academy of Pediatrics – Guidance on behavior & discipline: https://www.aap.org citeturn0search4
CDC – Youth violence & bullying prevention: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention citeturn0search6

This content is educational and not a substitute for professional medical or mental health care.

How to Spot a Bully Who Needs Support: Breaking the Cycle with Empathy & Inclusion